A serious attempt

I died in
a dream in
the early
morning:
slow heat and
thrashing grasps at
consciousness, like
age 6

swimming lessons. I
woke up wondering
if I was
waking
up, a deep

breath effort to
slow my heart rate. The
sun was still
low so I
drifted
off to summer
camp, Wendy's, and Coca-Cola

sleep.

The California Fire Fell On Me.

As we drove to the Northwest corner of the state for some delicious camp action, we inadvertantly drove into the fire that is consuming almost all of the entire west coast of the United States of California's beautiful natural resources (tree). And then the fire fell on us when we drove under it. Here is a picture of the offending flames:

Moments after this picture was taken, a hail of molten stone and flaming sticks rained upon our vehicle and further deepened my lifelong fear of fireworks. If you come across these flames, please notify the authorities. The rest of the trip can be summed up thusly...

blah blah blah redwoods blah blah blah coastline blah blah blah swimming in natural whirlpool blah blah blah campfire blah blah blah alcoholic campsite neighbors arguing until 4 am blah blah blah mountains blah blah blah and then this happened:

Apparently D. has butts on his knee.

Nalgene Haiku

If I drink enough
Water, my veins will become
Encased in plastic.

Vegetable Curry Ingredients Ranked in Various Orders

In Order of Enjoyment:
1. Fried Tofu Squares
2. Baby Corns
3. Carrots
3. Red Peppers
5. Cauliflower
6. Bamboo Shoots

In Order of Origin Proximity (Closest to Farthest):
1. Carrots
2. Tofu
3. Cauliflower
4. Red Peppers
5. Bamboo Shoots
6. Baby Corns

According to the Light Spectrum:
1. Cauliflower, Tofu, and Bamboo Shoot (tie, entire spectrum)
2. Red Peppers
3. Carrots
4. Baby Corns

In Order of Preparation Time (Most to Least):
1. Fried Tofu Squares
2. Red Peppers
3. Carrots
4. Cauliflower
5. Baby Corns
6. Bamboo Shoots

Supplemental Ingredients (Alphabetical Order):
1. Curry Sauce, Homemade
2. Rice, Brown

Cinnamon

When I get cinnamon stuck in my throat, I cough and cough and cough. Then I think about how to market myself to those who market Bud Light. I think my music could really sell their product and vice versa.

In the meantime, I'm on the edge of my seat about the next Food network star, I'm on the edge of my seat for the next page of a book though. Though.

You Know What Pisses Me Off?

Sodas these days. Used to be that when a soda was having a contest and you opened the soda, you had like a one in eight chance of winning a free soda. Free. No questions asked. Twenty MFing ounces. Bam. Nowdays, you take the top off a soda and its like, "Hmm there is a chance you may have possibly won. Type this code as well as your identity into our mainframe database computer intrnet site and we'll let you know." OK?? Now say you do that all and low and behold you are a freaking winner. YOU HAVE NOT WON. You only have received a voucher for a buy one frickin' get one free 20 ozer. That's not winning. That's a coupon. So Diet Pepsi, if you're reading this, you can shove your contest up your cola-infested ass, OK? OK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

But seriously, if you put Indiana Jones on a bottle of soda, I WILL BUY IT.

In an Effort to Increase my Popularity, I've Decided

1. My name will now be my first initial and a shortened, more Americanized version of my last name.

2. My vocal inflections with be a subtle allusion to civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr.

3. To record, release, and deny my consent to a sex tape.

4. To produce my reality television in the "Bravo style."

5. To no longer wear a helmet.

6. My Second Life character will own an in ground pool and wear a robe.

7. To double the amount of calls to my five.