Guest Blogger Eleanor's Top Music of 2013

Hello, my name is Eleanor, and I am almost three months old. I enjoy steady beats, tinny guitars, subaudible bass, and repetition. What follows is a list of my favorite music from 2013. Please forgive me if the albums included in this list were not new in 2013. As I was recently born, all music is new music to me. Also, I do not yet understand the concept of time.

The Ramones, It's Alive
Over the 28 songs in the 53 minutes of this album, Tommy Ramone's relentless beat is only interrupted for a few seconds of soothing white noise from the crowd. Endlessly bounce-able and catchy, with a guitar buzz that can drown out any sudden sense of terror. One star. (I cannot count past one.)

Shabazz Palaces, Black Up
Like heartbeat pulses under the ocean, the arrhythmetic beats of (ex) Butterfly and friend are better than any pacifier. I swear one of the tracks features a baby. I try to talk to it.

Kanye West, "Blood On The Leaves"
The only thing that could make this song even more perfect is if the lyric went, "I came out of your bodies."

My Bloody Valentine, mbv
About every two hours, I get ridiculously tired. One of the best things to sleep to is white noise. My parents would try to soothe me with disc after disc of hipster lullabies (Black Sabbath songs played on music box-like instruments? Give me a break.), and I would scream and scream. Then the 5 disc changer would rotate to the last CD, and mbv's other-worldly, reverb-drenched chords would wash over the living room and transport me to night-night land.

Wire, Pink Flag
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's like, "The first three Wire albums are untouchable." And don't get me wrong, 154 and Chairs Missing are good albums. I mean, they're fine. But I'll take the tension of a hook-heavy, uptempo, sub-one minute rock song over the tension of a meandering, chorus-pedal-drenched "art" piece any day. But that's just me. I've hardly even existed.

My father's acoustic rendition of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"
My dad does not play the guitar well. After about 5 minutes of him trying to figure out the chords to some god-awful Neil Young song, I start bawling. (I would say, "Tim, this is pretty bad. You should practice before you perform in front of an audience," but I cannot say words.) Then, he clumsily plucks out the melody to "Twinkle" and it is at least tolerable to listen to. By lowering the bar for himself, he was able to leap on to this list.

Parquet Courts, Light Up Gold
I mean, come ON. This album was MADE for babies. Steady, unchanging beat throughout? Check. Single string guitar melodies? Got those. A singer who sounds like a rambling lunatic a la Shel Silverstein reading his own poetry ? Yup. I listen every day.

Well, that's pretty much every album and/or song I have ever heard. Ga-ga goo-goo.

Proud to be American Cheese

Proud to be American Cheese is indignant about its ignorance.
Proud to be American Cheese must be eaten, or the terrorists have won.
Proud to be American Cheese takes national anthems at sporting events very seriously.
Proud to be American Cheese is heavily processed, has no discernible flavor, and is loaded with calories.
Proud to be American Cheese contracts mercenary corporations to do its dirty work.
Proud to be American Cheese will park, go to Wal-Mart, drive 100 yards across the parking lot, park again, and go to Lowe's.
Proud to be American Cheese's color does run, contrary to popular belief.
Proud to be American Cheese hasn't read a thing by Mark Twain, but has seen the Disney version of Huck Finn.
Proud to be American Cheese doesn't pick up on the racist undertones of most of its rhetoric.
Proud to be American Cheese is why they hate our freedom.
Proud to be American Cheese is proud that the French talk bad about it.
Proud to be American Cheese melts smoothly due to a heavy reliance on oil.
Proud to be American Cheese would gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
Proud to be American Cheese is true Americana.
Proud to be American Cheese is made in China.

A Summary of My Trip to England, Written in Globe Theater-Style Scene Captions

Chunk 1
1. Sitting in the front row for a lecture on literature after 19 hours of travel
2. Bike ride through cow pastures
3. Wandering around Oxford, wondering which archway a fictional character had his picture taken under.

Chunk 2
4. Arrive at London flat to a tiny, tiny room/Return to Oxford
5. Bike ride with strangers/Can't keep up with strangers/Lost in English countryside/Drinking/Meet new roommates/Drinking
6. First day of Shakespeare Camp, feeling like an awkward kindergartener/Flat 13 makes power play
7. Team Midwest conquers London/Why do PhD candidates feel the need to apply critical theory to everything?, or Sometimes, it really is just a statue
8. Meet Glynn, fairy godmother from hell/Find out I am "fucking awful" at walking/Stare at pole, pretend it is Henry V
9. Proper English lady makes noises like a 2-year-old/Find out I am too tense and have bad posture/ Team Don't Fuck Around will cook for booze
10. I have a speech to memorize? Just so you know, I am not going to memorize this speech

Chunk 3
11. Tower of London=Several examples of Henry VIII's cod piece/Brit dressed as penis
12. This guy on the London Eye? He had a shirt on that had a woman in a bikini holding a machine gun on it. Oh, and a gold chain and matching bracelets. I think he was from Russia. I wish I got a picture.

Chunk 4
13. Back to school/Practice, nervousness/Cod piece becomes a theme thanks to Taming of the Shrew
14. Stepping on Globe Stage for the first time/Play magically comes together
15. I am a fucking actor
16. Return to the Tate/We still have class? But why?/Scene chunking panic
17. Return of Return to the Tate/Trying to remember what was for dinner besides champagne
 18. Vacating the flat/Summer camp conclusion woe/47-year-old mosh pit for Peter Hook

Chunk 5
19. Stonehenge and some other very old rocks propped up in the ground

Blog In Reverse

David in reverse.
Zombie apocalypse in reverse.
Islands in reverse.
Food in reverse.
The table was moved in reverse.
One less barf bag in reverse.
Scuba diving in reverse.
Flower painting in reverse.
Perfumed mouthwash in reverse.
Jean jackets in reverse.
London in reverse.
Road trips in reverse.
Gold rush in reverse.
Natural history museum in reverse.
Ferry in reverse.
Facetime in reverse.
Dramamine in reverse.
Mission Delores in reverse.
Remote control in reverse.
Curls in reverse.
Shakespeare in reverse.
Sharpie in reverse.
Internet in reverse.
Track lights in reverse.
Mozart in reverse.
Mass in reverse.
Cafe latte in reverse.
Chuck Spoliar in reverse.
Mountains in reverse.
General public in reverse.
Madness in reverse.
Ghost ride the whip in reverse.
Camel toe in reverse.
The Cure's "Let's Go To Bed" in reverse.
Henry VIII in reverse.
Urine in reverse.
Chihuahuas in reverse.
Ale washed wits in reverse.
Jerry curl in reverse.
River in reverse.
Police siren in reverse.
Skyscraper construction in reverse.
Wind in reverse.
V in reverse.
Week two in reverse.
Children in reverse.
Age of Enlightenment in reverse.
Surfing in reverse.
Double entendre in reverse.
666 in reverse.
Taking pictures in reverse.
Theft in reverse.
Yes in reverse.
Facebook invitations in reverse.
Horse race in reverse.
Queen in reverse.
White noise in reverse.
Renting housing in reverse.
Grey in reverse.
Fat in reverse.
Pretense in reverse.
Bus stop in reverse.
Spaghetti Western in reverse.
Martinelli's Sparkling Cider in reverse.
Masculinity in reverse.
Body piercing in reverse.
Punctuation in reverse.
Vibrate in reverse.
Sam McPheeters  in reverse.
Fuel efficiency in reverse.
Wind tunnel in reverse.
Some loud British accents in reverse.
Efficiency in reverse.
In reverse in reverse.

On Thursday, I am scheduled to discuss my "writing process" with a bunch of high school students in a creative writing class.

Hello class. I have a blog. I am not going to tell you the location of this particular blog, but I will tell you that it is quite possibly the best blog ever created (by a white). Here's why:

1. This blog is FUCKING HILARIOUS.
2. This blog is frequented by pornography spammers from both Japan AND Russia.
3. This blog is on a steady decline, which would be a bad thing if I had not taken ownership of it in the third item of a post dated April 29, 2012.
4. This blog has dreams of its own to one day own a Papa Murphy's franchise.
5. Former NBA superstar Rik Smits is a personal friend of this blog.
6. Like Neil Young's "Time Fades Away," this blog will never be re-released, intensifying the pleasure of owning it.
7. This blog has been seen long-boarding on the streets of Sacramento with its hair bleached and spiked and reciting catch phrases "on-point" and "that's money."
8. Did I mention the fucking hilarity of this blog?

Best New Dreams, 2012

1. I find the ultra-rare first Poison record that everyone wants...the punk one with the cover that is reminiscent of the Minor Threat discography, only it's Brett Michaels in blue and black relief. I show it to everyone I know. No one cares.

2. I get a job at an antiques dealership, only to discover that there is a sinister, real-life role-playing game going on in the back room. Quickly, I realize that my job is not to stock antiques but to figure out who is trying to kill me. Everyone I know is there; everyone is a suspect. I turn around to realize that I am suddenly alone. The warehouse doors are closed, and there is water pouring in from under them. The room is quickly filling with water. I climb a pile of junk to a skylight and escape to the roof. When I return to street-level, I can see that everything in the antique shop is damp, but the water is gone. I go back into the store and head to the bosses office. Behind that door is the person who tried to kill me. I open the door, and sitting behind the desk is a glowing red cat. I pick the cat up by the neck, choke it, and throw it out the window.

Top

Colin Stetson, New History Warfare Volume Two: Judges
Jazz arpeggiator that is good enough to have a hat named for him.

Anatomy Of Habit, s/t
These songs remind me of beermosas.

 Shabazz Palaces, Black Up
I liked it even better when they were named after bugs.

Das Racist, Relax
I think I laugh at a new place every time, but it might just be the same place.

Liturgy, Aesthethica
Hipster black metal trolls, like in the Internet sense.

Raphael Saadiq, Stone Rollin' 
Because everyone wants to live when there is such a thing as Soul music.

Bon Iver, Bon Iver, Bon Iver 
Big ups to Bon Iver for rekindling my love of Phil Collins.

I Just Watched "Big" and I Have Some Issues with It

1. From Mrs. Baskin's perspective, this is a movie about child molestation.
2. If I was a grown woman and a guy took me back to his loft to show me his trampoline and blow-up Godzilla, I would get the fuck out.
3. Having your boss catch you playing Lazer Tag in a toy store gets you fired, not promoted.
4. From Mrs. Patterson's perspective, this is a movie about a toy executive who invites young boys into his office, and probably molests them.
5. At some point, Susan realizes she's been sleeping with a 13-year-old. Shouldn't she, like, vomit?
6. The part where Susan says, "You won't even remember me." and Josh says, "Oh, yes I will." is supposed to be touching, but actually its creepy.

Top 9 Dreams, 2011

1. I have a deck of cards, but it is not the right type.
2. Those black dots are hurting Tom Hanks.
3. I didn't know that what I made was meth, so how could I have known I was giving meth out to children?
4. Camping in a blank space.
5. I think maybe it had something to do with sledding?
6. I have the worst class I could possibly imagine, but I am teaching them at the beach.
7. Driving on a foggy road on a cliff, listening to Santana.
8. Double wide airplane, almost missing the connecting flight, second plane crashes, buying candy at the duty-free shop, the airport parking lot is deserted.
9. Lawn ornament turns into Jesus, I say, "Jee-SUS!," Jesus says, "Whassup?!" (reissue)

Jars of Clay Davis

I just checked my ifoundthitape blog stats and saw that googling "the wire-shhhhhhiiiiiit" led some poor soul to this goddamm blog. I feel so honored. The following is a list of things that hopefully someday someone will search and lead them to this god-forsaken place:

Beastie Boys Bob Dylan sample

mustache + competition

cuuuuuuuttttte pugs

Mr. T iced tea

aabbccddeeffgghhiijjkkllmmnnooppqqrrssttuuvvwwxxyyzz

Cat Massage

luke burbank drunk photo

kelly kapowski fan club

MHC my horsemeat company

toenail collection

gary debusey celebrity apprentice

riders on the storm gutters inc

U2b

humanure

Yesterday, I saw two teenagers jump off the Tower Bridge and other Items

Item! Yesterday, I saw two teenagers jump off the Tower Bridge. One was slightly more prepared than the other, and had brought a wet suit. I had just got on the bridge as I saw their heads go over the side. I pulled my bicycle over to the side at the point where I had last seen them. They were laughing and trying to catch their breath from the cold. I watched until they swam to shore, relieved that I would not have to put off dinner to call an ambulance or a morgue boat. Kids these days.

Item! Frozen na'an from Trader Joe's is delicious. I had decided this even before I had tried it. And then, when I tried it, I continued to believe the previously stated statement.

Item! For the next 10 days, I will be living like a king, assuming kings wake up at 10 am to watch The Price Is Right and then spend the rest of the day trying to find cable television shows on the internet. That is how kings live, correct?

Item! I know this is old news, but it is still hard to believe that Michael Jackson is a dead pop star rather than a living pedophile.

My Children's Album

1. Let Mommy Sleep (She Is Suffering from Depression)

2. Your Mouth Stinks!

4. What's For Breakfast? (No, I'm Asking You. I'm Sick of Making Your Goddamn Breakfast)

5. When Daddy Goes to Work, It Means He Loves You (But Not Mommy)

6. Party in the Bathroom! (Wiping Our Buttholes)

7. Judge Mathis is Kind of Like Big Bird

8. Let's Have a Nap for Lunch!

9. Time For a Beer (Daddy's Home)

10. Spaghetti Looks (and Tastes) Like Brains

11. Bedtime Spanking

Two-Word Record Reviews of Things I Downloaded Today

1. "The King of Limbs" by Radiohead--Finally cohesive.
2. "Bastard" by Tyler, The Creator--Scary asshole.
3. "Sit Down, Man" by Das Racist--LOL (jk)

Best Music of 2010 Expressed in Mathematic Equations

1. (P/h8)(RZA + bI) = "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" by Kanye West

2. (SbSS + iiiii) - Jarboe = "My Father Will Guide Me Up a Rope to the Sky" by Swans

3. M^B = "Daughters" by Daughters

4. SR/|nSR| = "Shut Up, Dude" by Das Racist

5. dN(dN + (MIA/n)) = "Treats" by Sleigh Bells

6. SbSS + dN = "LeNoise" by Neil Young

Wherein:
B = Boredoms
bI = Bon Iver
dN = digital noise
h8 = I hate myself for it
iiiii = repetitive, industrial minimalism
M = McLusky
MIA = MIA
n = not
P = I am such a pervert
RZA = RZA
SbSS = sad-bastard singer-songwriter
SR = serious rap

Remember Dance Punk?

The Best Albums of the 00s

After extensive thought and research, I bring to you the following lists for the past decade, which technically ends next year (00s is pronounced "the zeros" or "the ooo's"):

THE Album of the '00s

"The Grey Album" by Danger Mouse: I am not purporting that this album was the best of the 00's, or that I even particularly like it (I don't dislike it by any means). However, like disco defined the 70s and grunge defined the 90s, the mashup is the genre that will define the 00s, good or bad. I do not have the authority to say this was the first "mashup" album. It did, though, bring the genre to the forefront. Nirvana's "Nevermind" was by no means the first "grunge" album, but it definitely defines the genre, and the decade for that matter. "The Grey Album" is quintessentially oos: its a mashup, it was made by one person with a computer, it had no official release but got huge over the Internet. How could this not be the album of the decade?



The Top 13 Albums of the 00s
The following selections are what I consider to be the best albums of the 00s. It was culled from the albums that iTunes added to the smart playlist I created with the perameters "year greater than 1999." If, for some reason, a really great 00s album did not come up in that playlist, it did not make my list. I consider this a very 00s way of narrowing the field. The selections are ranked...#1 is my favorite album of the oos, etc. Lets do this:

1. "The College Dropout" by Kanye West: There are those who claim that there was not good music made this decade. Those people do not listen to hip hop. Rap music in particular made tremendous leaps in the past 10 years, and Kanye West was responsible for more than a few of them. Though all of his albums have been my favorite for a certain time, his debut is still the standout. There is not an unlistenable track on this album. Lyrically, Kanye takes a decidedly un-Gangta and un-Pop Star approach to otherwise cliched subject matter (the latter of which changed for the second half of his output).

2. "A Ghost Is Born" by Wilco: Yes, "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot" is the obvious choice, but in terms of not compromising listenability for experimentation, this is the Wilco album for me. Unforgiving guitar solos, well crafted songs, kraut rock marathons. If it wasn't for "I'm A Wheel," this album would be at the top of my list.





3. "Hell Hath No Fury" by Clipse: From the opening track's stuttering accordion and vato sample, "Hell Hath No Fury" is unrelenting. Pharell's minimalism accents the fury (to use an obvious adjective) of the coke-dealers-turned-rappers' lyrics.







4. "The Hill" by Richard Buckner: 15 or so songs, but only one track. Minimal instrumentation. 0 dollars spent on recording. Poems from Edgar Lee Masters's "Spoon River Anthology" serve as lyrics. Cigaratte-scarred, baritone vocals. I am in love with the sizzle of the tape-hiss shaker percussion. When this album starts, I must listen until its over. Already a dinosaur in the age of iPod shuffles.





5. "Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo" by Spank Rock: The Baltimore duo's only full length record is, from start to finish, one dirty, dirty dance party. The beats and music sound like 2 Live Crew played from a digital wrist watch. The lyrics make me blush. Seriously.








OK. I'm running out of things to say. Here's the rest with minimal BS.

6. "Madvilliany" by Madvillian: Madlib + MF Doom + supervillian samples = ilistenalot









7. "Kala" by M.I.A.: Repeating the same lyrics over beats stolen from Brazilian favelas turned out to be a great idea.










8. "Jesu" by Jesu: What metal needed was more New Agey synthesizer leads.










9. "McLusky Do Dallas" by McLusky: Steps to success: 1. Rip off the Pixies 2. Rip off the Jesus Lizard 3. Write absurdly sexual lyrics 4. Be from Wales.







10. "Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?" by the Unicorns: Fey pop with lots of synths and hooks.









11. "808s and Heartbreak" by Kanye West: Kanye somehow makes all the horrible trends in late 00s pop sound good. Artist of the decade?









12. "Ys" by Joanna Newsom: The first time I heard Joanna sing, I thought, "At least her songs aren't 17 minutes long." Then she made Ys and I was all, "DAMN!"







13. "Unhistories" by Singer: Former U.S. Maple members let non-U.S. Maple members pretend like they're in U.S. Maple. The results? Better than U.S. Maple.

The Best Music of 2009

In the early fall, Anna and I went down to SF to see a show at the Great American Music Hall. There were two bands on the ball I was interested in seeing: WHY?, the headliner and object of my obsession for the past year or two, and Serengeti, the Chicago-based rapper responsible for my tendancy to call the Chicago-based grocery store "Jules" as Chicago-ed out as possible. Prior to the show, I was told by my friend Ed that one of the two other bands playing, Mount Eerie, had recently moved away from noisy indie rock and folk for a try at black metal. Needless to say, I was intrigued.

So...we got to the show about 15 minutes before the official start time, wanting to make sure we did not miss 'Geti in his opening slot. But as we walk in, the fourth and previously-unmentioned-in-this-blog-because-of their-mediocrity band AU began playing, though they were listed to play second on the bill. "Bah, they must have told these guise go on before Serengeti," I said to myself. (I speak to myself in a Chicago accent.) But 40 minutes later, Mount Eerie sets up. Serengeti had been forced to play before the official start of the show. I was mad.

So...Mount Eerie had two drummers, one of whom played a massive gong as if it were a ride. The set was devastating. They essentially played the "Wind's Poem" album, but I did not know this because I had not heard it. Sheets of impossibly fast noise subsided for Phil Elvrum's plaintiff singing. And then more pummeling. I realized that the only reason I don't listen to more black metal is the horrible and ridiculous singers.

Then WHY? played, and the room full of teenagers began moshing to a set Yoni's lyrics about deviant sex and suicide.

Anyways, it turns out that my three favorite albums of 2009 were from bands at this show, which means I'm still sour over the fact that I missed Serengeti.

Here's an incomplete list:

1. "Wind's Poem" by Mount Eerie--Black metal and sad bastard singing go perfect together.

2. "Eskimo Snow" by WHY?--Whiny rapper turned into whiny pop star

3. "Pterodactyl" by Serengeti and Polyphonic--Lazy schizophrenic rapping over beats made from spare change in the future.

4. All those Crystal Shards albums--They are good. Call Ed to burn them.

5. & 6. "Merriweather Post Pavilion" by Animal Collective and "Bitte Orca" by Dirty Projectors--Thanks, NPR!

7. Jesu vinyl reissues--Finally the "Heartache," "Pale Sketches," and "Lifeline" are available. I'm pretty sure they were not reissued this year, but I don't care. I spent a night paralyzed by these records.

Six Good Albums of 2008 Haiku

WHY?-Alopecia
Over-listened to
in '08, so Anna says
to turn it off now.

A Silver Mt. Zion-13 Blues for Thirteen Moons
One million died to
make whining sound powerful
again. (Nice haircut.)

Kanye West-808s and Heartbreak
Every morning, I
wake up and make a Robo
Cop sound effect: Vreeet.

The Streets-Everything Is Borrowed
Philosophy and
ecology tips from a
Limey drug dealer.

High Places-s/t
I never realized
Indian people looked like
hipsters from Brooklyn

Sun Kil Moon-April
If Mark would turn the
vocals down and the solos
up, it would slay me.

Solicitation of Band Names

If you had a band, what would you call it? Here's the start of a list:

1. Stubble Field
2. Iraq Z
3. Thee Continental
4. Thee Three
5. Change Pants

Please add to this list with far better suggestions thank you.

Rat Update

Total Caught: 8

• # of Adult Rats: 4
• # of Absolutely Adorable Baby Rats: 3
• # of Normal-looking Baby Rats: 1

All rats were dropped off at the Toad Hallow Dog Park, near the tree directly to the right of the handicapped parking spaces.

No rats were harmed in the creation of this blog.

Lists of Five

Concerts I Thought About Yesterday:
1. Neil Young and Crazy Horse, World Music Theater, Tinley Park, IL, 1997
2. Table Mountain Gun Club, Pat Ford's Living Room in Milwaukee, WI, 1999
3. Sigur Ros, Civic Opera House, Chicago, IL, 2006
4. A Tundra, Silent Barn, New York, NY, 2007
5. Icy Demons, Abbey Pub, Chicago, IL, 2007

Not That You Care, But I:
1. Had fish for dinner
2. Will be wearing hiking boots for the next week
3. Am mildly interested in baseball
4. Have come to the sad conclusion that I must kill the mice that have made my house their home
5. Saw an episode of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Good Job today

Five More Things:
1. Quilt
2. Cheetah
3. Applesauce
4. Petal
5. Garage

Scarves I Own:
1. EuroCup 1996, Germany, black & white
2. Hand-knit, extra-long by Anna
3. Kafiya, black & white
4. EuroCup 1996, Germany, teal
5. Soft-n-gray