Guest Blogger Eleanor's Top Music of 2013

Hello, my name is Eleanor, and I am almost three months old. I enjoy steady beats, tinny guitars, subaudible bass, and repetition. What follows is a list of my favorite music from 2013. Please forgive me if the albums included in this list were not new in 2013. As I was recently born, all music is new music to me. Also, I do not yet understand the concept of time.

The Ramones, It's Alive
Over the 28 songs in the 53 minutes of this album, Tommy Ramone's relentless beat is only interrupted for a few seconds of soothing white noise from the crowd. Endlessly bounce-able and catchy, with a guitar buzz that can drown out any sudden sense of terror. One star. (I cannot count past one.)

Shabazz Palaces, Black Up
Like heartbeat pulses under the ocean, the arrhythmetic beats of (ex) Butterfly and friend are better than any pacifier. I swear one of the tracks features a baby. I try to talk to it.

Kanye West, "Blood On The Leaves"
The only thing that could make this song even more perfect is if the lyric went, "I came out of your bodies."

My Bloody Valentine, mbv
About every two hours, I get ridiculously tired. One of the best things to sleep to is white noise. My parents would try to soothe me with disc after disc of hipster lullabies (Black Sabbath songs played on music box-like instruments? Give me a break.), and I would scream and scream. Then the 5 disc changer would rotate to the last CD, and mbv's other-worldly, reverb-drenched chords would wash over the living room and transport me to night-night land.

Wire, Pink Flag
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's like, "The first three Wire albums are untouchable." And don't get me wrong, 154 and Chairs Missing are good albums. I mean, they're fine. But I'll take the tension of a hook-heavy, uptempo, sub-one minute rock song over the tension of a meandering, chorus-pedal-drenched "art" piece any day. But that's just me. I've hardly even existed.

My father's acoustic rendition of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"
My dad does not play the guitar well. After about 5 minutes of him trying to figure out the chords to some god-awful Neil Young song, I start bawling. (I would say, "Tim, this is pretty bad. You should practice before you perform in front of an audience," but I cannot say words.) Then, he clumsily plucks out the melody to "Twinkle" and it is at least tolerable to listen to. By lowering the bar for himself, he was able to leap on to this list.

Parquet Courts, Light Up Gold
I mean, come ON. This album was MADE for babies. Steady, unchanging beat throughout? Check. Single string guitar melodies? Got those. A singer who sounds like a rambling lunatic a la Shel Silverstein reading his own poetry ? Yup. I listen every day.

Well, that's pretty much every album and/or song I have ever heard. Ga-ga goo-goo.

This blog in audio form

The author of this blog is also the "genius" behind the "band" Friday Nite!. Check out their new "album" and download it for zero dollars right here:




41 "songs". Quantity over quality.

Top

Colin Stetson, New History Warfare Volume Two: Judges
Jazz arpeggiator that is good enough to have a hat named for him.

Anatomy Of Habit, s/t
These songs remind me of beermosas.

 Shabazz Palaces, Black Up
I liked it even better when they were named after bugs.

Das Racist, Relax
I think I laugh at a new place every time, but it might just be the same place.

Liturgy, Aesthethica
Hipster black metal trolls, like in the Internet sense.

Raphael Saadiq, Stone Rollin' 
Because everyone wants to live when there is such a thing as Soul music.

Bon Iver, Bon Iver, Bon Iver 
Big ups to Bon Iver for rekindling my love of Phil Collins.

My Children's Album

1. Let Mommy Sleep (She Is Suffering from Depression)

2. Your Mouth Stinks!

4. What's For Breakfast? (No, I'm Asking You. I'm Sick of Making Your Goddamn Breakfast)

5. When Daddy Goes to Work, It Means He Loves You (But Not Mommy)

6. Party in the Bathroom! (Wiping Our Buttholes)

7. Judge Mathis is Kind of Like Big Bird

8. Let's Have a Nap for Lunch!

9. Time For a Beer (Daddy's Home)

10. Spaghetti Looks (and Tastes) Like Brains

11. Bedtime Spanking

Two-Word Record Reviews of Things I Downloaded Today

1. "The King of Limbs" by Radiohead--Finally cohesive.
2. "Bastard" by Tyler, The Creator--Scary asshole.
3. "Sit Down, Man" by Das Racist--LOL (jk)

Pending Job Application

from Timothy ODonnell to writerapps@pitchfork.com date Thu, Jul 15, 2010 at 12:29 PM subject i will review your albums.

I will be your record reviewer. Here is a little about myself: I have been on television. Would it help if I hated Tim Kinsella? I could make it happen.

All further information that you have requested can be located here on this very popular blog:

ifoundthistape.blogspot.com

We can discuss payment options (you to me) at a later time.

Thank you and good luck.

Tim

Best Music of 2010 Expressed in Mathematic Equations

1. (P/h8)(RZA + bI) = "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" by Kanye West

2. (SbSS + iiiii) - Jarboe = "My Father Will Guide Me Up a Rope to the Sky" by Swans

3. M^B = "Daughters" by Daughters

4. SR/|nSR| = "Shut Up, Dude" by Das Racist

5. dN(dN + (MIA/n)) = "Treats" by Sleigh Bells

6. SbSS + dN = "LeNoise" by Neil Young

Wherein:
B = Boredoms
bI = Bon Iver
dN = digital noise
h8 = I hate myself for it
iiiii = repetitive, industrial minimalism
M = McLusky
MIA = MIA
n = not
P = I am such a pervert
RZA = RZA
SbSS = sad-bastard singer-songwriter
SR = serious rap

Remember Dance Punk?

The Best Albums of the 00s

After extensive thought and research, I bring to you the following lists for the past decade, which technically ends next year (00s is pronounced "the zeros" or "the ooo's"):

THE Album of the '00s

"The Grey Album" by Danger Mouse: I am not purporting that this album was the best of the 00's, or that I even particularly like it (I don't dislike it by any means). However, like disco defined the 70s and grunge defined the 90s, the mashup is the genre that will define the 00s, good or bad. I do not have the authority to say this was the first "mashup" album. It did, though, bring the genre to the forefront. Nirvana's "Nevermind" was by no means the first "grunge" album, but it definitely defines the genre, and the decade for that matter. "The Grey Album" is quintessentially oos: its a mashup, it was made by one person with a computer, it had no official release but got huge over the Internet. How could this not be the album of the decade?



The Top 13 Albums of the 00s
The following selections are what I consider to be the best albums of the 00s. It was culled from the albums that iTunes added to the smart playlist I created with the perameters "year greater than 1999." If, for some reason, a really great 00s album did not come up in that playlist, it did not make my list. I consider this a very 00s way of narrowing the field. The selections are ranked...#1 is my favorite album of the oos, etc. Lets do this:

1. "The College Dropout" by Kanye West: There are those who claim that there was not good music made this decade. Those people do not listen to hip hop. Rap music in particular made tremendous leaps in the past 10 years, and Kanye West was responsible for more than a few of them. Though all of his albums have been my favorite for a certain time, his debut is still the standout. There is not an unlistenable track on this album. Lyrically, Kanye takes a decidedly un-Gangta and un-Pop Star approach to otherwise cliched subject matter (the latter of which changed for the second half of his output).

2. "A Ghost Is Born" by Wilco: Yes, "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot" is the obvious choice, but in terms of not compromising listenability for experimentation, this is the Wilco album for me. Unforgiving guitar solos, well crafted songs, kraut rock marathons. If it wasn't for "I'm A Wheel," this album would be at the top of my list.





3. "Hell Hath No Fury" by Clipse: From the opening track's stuttering accordion and vato sample, "Hell Hath No Fury" is unrelenting. Pharell's minimalism accents the fury (to use an obvious adjective) of the coke-dealers-turned-rappers' lyrics.







4. "The Hill" by Richard Buckner: 15 or so songs, but only one track. Minimal instrumentation. 0 dollars spent on recording. Poems from Edgar Lee Masters's "Spoon River Anthology" serve as lyrics. Cigaratte-scarred, baritone vocals. I am in love with the sizzle of the tape-hiss shaker percussion. When this album starts, I must listen until its over. Already a dinosaur in the age of iPod shuffles.





5. "Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo" by Spank Rock: The Baltimore duo's only full length record is, from start to finish, one dirty, dirty dance party. The beats and music sound like 2 Live Crew played from a digital wrist watch. The lyrics make me blush. Seriously.








OK. I'm running out of things to say. Here's the rest with minimal BS.

6. "Madvilliany" by Madvillian: Madlib + MF Doom + supervillian samples = ilistenalot









7. "Kala" by M.I.A.: Repeating the same lyrics over beats stolen from Brazilian favelas turned out to be a great idea.










8. "Jesu" by Jesu: What metal needed was more New Agey synthesizer leads.










9. "McLusky Do Dallas" by McLusky: Steps to success: 1. Rip off the Pixies 2. Rip off the Jesus Lizard 3. Write absurdly sexual lyrics 4. Be from Wales.







10. "Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?" by the Unicorns: Fey pop with lots of synths and hooks.









11. "808s and Heartbreak" by Kanye West: Kanye somehow makes all the horrible trends in late 00s pop sound good. Artist of the decade?









12. "Ys" by Joanna Newsom: The first time I heard Joanna sing, I thought, "At least her songs aren't 17 minutes long." Then she made Ys and I was all, "DAMN!"







13. "Unhistories" by Singer: Former U.S. Maple members let non-U.S. Maple members pretend like they're in U.S. Maple. The results? Better than U.S. Maple.

The Best Music of 2009

In the early fall, Anna and I went down to SF to see a show at the Great American Music Hall. There were two bands on the ball I was interested in seeing: WHY?, the headliner and object of my obsession for the past year or two, and Serengeti, the Chicago-based rapper responsible for my tendancy to call the Chicago-based grocery store "Jules" as Chicago-ed out as possible. Prior to the show, I was told by my friend Ed that one of the two other bands playing, Mount Eerie, had recently moved away from noisy indie rock and folk for a try at black metal. Needless to say, I was intrigued.

So...we got to the show about 15 minutes before the official start time, wanting to make sure we did not miss 'Geti in his opening slot. But as we walk in, the fourth and previously-unmentioned-in-this-blog-because-of their-mediocrity band AU began playing, though they were listed to play second on the bill. "Bah, they must have told these guise go on before Serengeti," I said to myself. (I speak to myself in a Chicago accent.) But 40 minutes later, Mount Eerie sets up. Serengeti had been forced to play before the official start of the show. I was mad.

So...Mount Eerie had two drummers, one of whom played a massive gong as if it were a ride. The set was devastating. They essentially played the "Wind's Poem" album, but I did not know this because I had not heard it. Sheets of impossibly fast noise subsided for Phil Elvrum's plaintiff singing. And then more pummeling. I realized that the only reason I don't listen to more black metal is the horrible and ridiculous singers.

Then WHY? played, and the room full of teenagers began moshing to a set Yoni's lyrics about deviant sex and suicide.

Anyways, it turns out that my three favorite albums of 2009 were from bands at this show, which means I'm still sour over the fact that I missed Serengeti.

Here's an incomplete list:

1. "Wind's Poem" by Mount Eerie--Black metal and sad bastard singing go perfect together.

2. "Eskimo Snow" by WHY?--Whiny rapper turned into whiny pop star

3. "Pterodactyl" by Serengeti and Polyphonic--Lazy schizophrenic rapping over beats made from spare change in the future.

4. All those Crystal Shards albums--They are good. Call Ed to burn them.

5. & 6. "Merriweather Post Pavilion" by Animal Collective and "Bitte Orca" by Dirty Projectors--Thanks, NPR!

7. Jesu vinyl reissues--Finally the "Heartache," "Pale Sketches," and "Lifeline" are available. I'm pretty sure they were not reissued this year, but I don't care. I spent a night paralyzed by these records.

Two quick notes on Music

1. Maybe I'm way behind here but the hobnox audiotool is the best thing ever. If you have not clicked and visited yet, the tool simulates the TR-808, TR-909, and TB-303, as well as a sine wave sequencer and a battery of effects. So much time wasted thusfar.

2. Deerhunter's "Cryptograms" is such a better album than "Microcastles." There is not even an argument.

Six Good Albums of 2008 Haiku

WHY?-Alopecia
Over-listened to
in '08, so Anna says
to turn it off now.

A Silver Mt. Zion-13 Blues for Thirteen Moons
One million died to
make whining sound powerful
again. (Nice haircut.)

Kanye West-808s and Heartbreak
Every morning, I
wake up and make a Robo
Cop sound effect: Vreeet.

The Streets-Everything Is Borrowed
Philosophy and
ecology tips from a
Limey drug dealer.

High Places-s/t
I never realized
Indian people looked like
hipsters from Brooklyn

Sun Kil Moon-April
If Mark would turn the
vocals down and the solos
up, it would slay me.