Why are you so annoying?

I'm not annoying; you are.
No, YOU are.
NO, YOU are.
You are.
YOU are.
You ARE.
You are.
YOU ARE.
YOU ARE!
NO YOU ARE.
YOU ARE!
You are.
YOU ARE.
YOU YOU ARE ARE
YYOOUU AARREE.
YOU YOU ARE ARE
YYOOUU AARREE.
YOU YOU ARE ARE
YOU YOU ARE ARE
YYOOUU AARREE.
YAORUE.
You are.
YYOOUU AARREE.

Black Hole Sun (of man)

Scientists have hypothesized that exact copies of this blog (this blog) exist in unfathomable numbers throughout the universe. Even this letter : l. This fact either proves or disproves the existence of God*. There is no room for agnostics.

It Will Take Place in the Past

Today at summer camp, our instructor gave us about 1.5 hours to work on two poems, which would have been great if we were not supposed to be learning how to prepare students for AP English. Here's what I wrote:

Curriculum Vitae

1)Born into the wind--the Daley City, the city of Sandburgs.
2)Young days like (________________). The breezy trees. The all night hide and seek. The ka-chunk of car locks when we leave the bliss of our neighborhood.
3)A High school looped in tall buildings--black steel for businessmen, red brick for the poor we locked car doors for.
4) Awkward conversations, Hog-butchered attempts at dates.
5) Leavinghome|moreschool. Independence is a fake ID.
6) Disconnect. Death of friends. I go away to Europe.
7) 75 resumes become a job at a newspaper in the middle of nowhere. More alcohol than ever.
8) Back to school, which is much better when you care, and better still when what you care about is caring about the impetus of locked car doors.
9) I start teaching. I meet you. I end teaching.
10) For two weeks, I am a rock star in New Zealand. (This is not metaphor. It should be read literally.)
11) The move. The drive. The new home.
12) Teaching again and you are still here. Happiness follows.




It will take place in the past.

It starts with the sun and an onion
Oil and garlic
Fire and metal.
She's up early (She is always up early but
she makes sure everyone knows
when she's up early for the sauce).

Sizzles and pops

Meat is next--strange, grizzled pieces saved
From the trash.
(The animals are unknown and never the same but with a little red wine they become mythical.)

Sizzles and pops
And then the tomatoes, a boil
And then the lid. The reduction of fire.

(Meanwhile we are at the table preparing pasta like unionless autoworkers assembling a vehicle.)

That night, at the last moment, we eat
together.

Midlife Crisis

I wanted to have a blog called "Manifest Destiny" but last night when I went to write it, I couldn't remember the title so I called it "Midlife Crisis" instead. We've reached the other coast and the lawn is refusing water. The termites are back. The sun becomes oppressive around 5 pm. There is little culture here, so those who crave it express it as hillbillies would: backwards and extreme. Or was that extremely backwards? I have grapes in the fridge, cold and firm, but not frozen as I'd prefer.

My summer vacation

It has been a really long time, hasn't it?
I'd say! Last time I heard from you, I was pregnant.
You are no longer pregnant?
No.
How did it end?
Positively.
That is a relief.
What has been going on?
Well, the wound has healed, but the bleeding has not subsided.
?
What?
I said, "?" as in, "I do not understand."
What do you not understand: vocabulary or concepts?
Concepts.
OK then. I was worried about that and I can now see the source of your confusions.
Will you be able to clarify them?
I do not thi.nk so. I, too, am conceptually confused, or possibly mislead.
Is that the proper punctuation?
Speech has no punctuation.
Granted, but you paused awkwardly.
Did I?
Have you read that poem?
"Did I?"
"I, too"
Oh yes indeed.
I, too!
Let's discuss the punctuation in said poem.
My left foot is asleep. Which one am I again?
How do you mean?
How do I mean about discussing the poem or the nature of my existence?
Existence. Am I pregnant or wounded?
Well neither of us is pregant.
Neither in the nether regions wounded.
Is the Netherlands a place you are not supposed to view?
I have thought about this often. I also wonder if dutch is a bastard version of deutsch.
Wow.
I know.

True Story

As I was walking around the Sacramento Co-op the yesterday, I overheard an employee guiding a couple through the store, helping them pick out what to buy. I was intrigued, naturally, so I followed. They had decided that they were going on a gluten-free diet, starting tat day, and they had apparently cornered this employee and got her to show them what in the store was gluten-free. It was unclear whether these two actually knew what gluten was. Here were my favorite quotes:

"Honey, we're going to need some vegetables. Why don't you go grab a jar of pickles?"

"Oh, so rice cakes don't have gluten in them?"

Clerk: This cereal is gluten free. (points to healthy-looking box of cereal).

Her: Oh I don't know if we are going to go THAT far. My baby loves sweet. (grabs box of Cap'n Crnch-like cereal)

Remember Dance Punk?

The Best Albums of the 00s

After extensive thought and research, I bring to you the following lists for the past decade, which technically ends next year (00s is pronounced "the zeros" or "the ooo's"):

THE Album of the '00s

"The Grey Album" by Danger Mouse: I am not purporting that this album was the best of the 00's, or that I even particularly like it (I don't dislike it by any means). However, like disco defined the 70s and grunge defined the 90s, the mashup is the genre that will define the 00s, good or bad. I do not have the authority to say this was the first "mashup" album. It did, though, bring the genre to the forefront. Nirvana's "Nevermind" was by no means the first "grunge" album, but it definitely defines the genre, and the decade for that matter. "The Grey Album" is quintessentially oos: its a mashup, it was made by one person with a computer, it had no official release but got huge over the Internet. How could this not be the album of the decade?



The Top 13 Albums of the 00s
The following selections are what I consider to be the best albums of the 00s. It was culled from the albums that iTunes added to the smart playlist I created with the perameters "year greater than 1999." If, for some reason, a really great 00s album did not come up in that playlist, it did not make my list. I consider this a very 00s way of narrowing the field. The selections are ranked...#1 is my favorite album of the oos, etc. Lets do this:

1. "The College Dropout" by Kanye West: There are those who claim that there was not good music made this decade. Those people do not listen to hip hop. Rap music in particular made tremendous leaps in the past 10 years, and Kanye West was responsible for more than a few of them. Though all of his albums have been my favorite for a certain time, his debut is still the standout. There is not an unlistenable track on this album. Lyrically, Kanye takes a decidedly un-Gangta and un-Pop Star approach to otherwise cliched subject matter (the latter of which changed for the second half of his output).

2. "A Ghost Is Born" by Wilco: Yes, "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot" is the obvious choice, but in terms of not compromising listenability for experimentation, this is the Wilco album for me. Unforgiving guitar solos, well crafted songs, kraut rock marathons. If it wasn't for "I'm A Wheel," this album would be at the top of my list.





3. "Hell Hath No Fury" by Clipse: From the opening track's stuttering accordion and vato sample, "Hell Hath No Fury" is unrelenting. Pharell's minimalism accents the fury (to use an obvious adjective) of the coke-dealers-turned-rappers' lyrics.







4. "The Hill" by Richard Buckner: 15 or so songs, but only one track. Minimal instrumentation. 0 dollars spent on recording. Poems from Edgar Lee Masters's "Spoon River Anthology" serve as lyrics. Cigaratte-scarred, baritone vocals. I am in love with the sizzle of the tape-hiss shaker percussion. When this album starts, I must listen until its over. Already a dinosaur in the age of iPod shuffles.





5. "Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo" by Spank Rock: The Baltimore duo's only full length record is, from start to finish, one dirty, dirty dance party. The beats and music sound like 2 Live Crew played from a digital wrist watch. The lyrics make me blush. Seriously.








OK. I'm running out of things to say. Here's the rest with minimal BS.

6. "Madvilliany" by Madvillian: Madlib + MF Doom + supervillian samples = ilistenalot









7. "Kala" by M.I.A.: Repeating the same lyrics over beats stolen from Brazilian favelas turned out to be a great idea.










8. "Jesu" by Jesu: What metal needed was more New Agey synthesizer leads.










9. "McLusky Do Dallas" by McLusky: Steps to success: 1. Rip off the Pixies 2. Rip off the Jesus Lizard 3. Write absurdly sexual lyrics 4. Be from Wales.







10. "Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?" by the Unicorns: Fey pop with lots of synths and hooks.









11. "808s and Heartbreak" by Kanye West: Kanye somehow makes all the horrible trends in late 00s pop sound good. Artist of the decade?









12. "Ys" by Joanna Newsom: The first time I heard Joanna sing, I thought, "At least her songs aren't 17 minutes long." Then she made Ys and I was all, "DAMN!"







13. "Unhistories" by Singer: Former U.S. Maple members let non-U.S. Maple members pretend like they're in U.S. Maple. The results? Better than U.S. Maple.