What Happens When I Drink: A Musical Diagram In 10 Songs

Stage One: Showing Off

Before any gathering at our house, my diminished sense of self-worth compels me to comb my record collection for albums that might impress my guests. Depending on the guest, this may mean pulling out the copy of Led Zeppelin's “In Through the Out Door” that would change from black and white to color if you were to wet it, or digging up the gay-Mexican-anarchist hardcore punk band discography no one outside of 200 people in Chicago has ever heard of—whatever album that might spark an easy conversation before the first couple of drinks take effect.

Example Texts:

• Damaged Goods—Gang of Four
• Bitchin' Camaro—Dead Milkmen
   
  Stage Two: Irony
  
  
  Once sufficiently lubricated, I am immediately in the mood for cheesy sentimentality, karaoke bars, Miller High Life, Steely Dan. Luckily, most of my record collection supports this tendency. If I am in a bar with a jukebox rather than imbibing at home, then I jump immediately to Stage Two.
  
  
  Example Texts:
• In The Air Tonight—Phil Collins
• Flashdance (What a Feeling)—Irene Cara
• Don't You Want Me—Human League
  
  
  Stage Three: Dance Party
  
  
  At this point in the evening, I have little control over my actions. If I have put the right combination of poisons into my body (usually champagne, gin, or large amounts of caffeine consumed concurrently with beer), the result is a manic, epileptic fit of dancing. The soundtrack to these seizure-like jerks may very well flow seamlessly from Stage Two. But if I get my way, hip hop is the catalyst to my personal and self-inflicted embarrassment.
  
  
  Example Texts:
• It's Goin' Down—Yung Joc
• Ni**as In Paris—Kayne West & Jay-Z
  
  
  Stage Four: Existential Crises
  
  
  Nothing illuminates the utter pain and futility of existence quite like an excessive amount of alcohol, and it is in these early morning moments that I turn to sad-bastard singers with accents or twangs, whose music taps into some deep, otherwise unacknowledged, joyful sadness. Usually I listen to only one of these songs per night, on repeat and at full volume, belting the lyrics to no one until Anna comes upstairs and tells me to go to sleep. These are pathetic, embarrassing moments, but also my most cherished.
  Example Texts:
• White City—The Pogues
• Two-Headed Boy—Neutral Milk Hotel
• The Losing End (When You're On)—Neil Young
  
  
  
  

Works Cited 

 

Cara, Irene. Flashdance. 1983. MP3.

Collins, Phil. Face Value. 1981. MP3.

The Dead Milkmen. Big Lizard in My Backyard. 1985. CD.

Gang of Four. Entertainment! 1979. Vinyl recording.

Human League. Dare. 1981. MP3.

Neutral Milk Hotel. In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. 1998. Vinyl recording.

The Pogues. Peace and Love. 1989. Vinyl recording.

West, Kanye & Jay-Z. Watch The Throne. 2011. CD.

Young, Neil. Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere. 1970. Vinyl recording.

Yung Joc. New Joc City. Nitti, 2006. MP3.